Communication Fuels Commitment
Do you ever feel like your partner isn’t really hearing you? Are you sometimes in tune with each other, but at other times not on the same page at all? Communication fuels commitment. How can we communicate effectively, being assertive enough to protect our self-respect but not hurting the other person’s feelings at the same time? If the other person does not want to listen, or walks away and ignores what you are saying, how do you proceed next?
Auto-Pilot
The easiest thing to do is to just do nothing. If your partner doesn’t feel like getting into a certain subject, maybe you should just drop it, right? If you never bring it up again, you are certain to continue on in an amicable enough state. You might engage in small talk, continue to support each other, or discuss other topics. This is a safe space to be in, as there is no conflict. You can go weeks, months, or even years avoiding difficult topics like finances, future visions, and personal needs. But where will it leave your relationship in the long term?
Long Term Satisfaction
The longer you keep your true feelings inside, the harder it is going to be to bring them up eventually. If you cannot live with this, you will have to get uncomfortable in your efforts to have an open discussion. Many of us avoid this like the plague because we don’t want to make waves and be uncomfortable. We’d rather continue on with the status quo for the sake of peace for the family. We question if we are doing the right thing. We know that we have to concede some things as part of the compromise of a committed relationship. But how much should we be willing to concede in a healthy relationship?
Five Ways to Open the Lines of Communication
- Avoid speaking passionately about things in the moment that you are feeling angry, hurt or frustrated. Take time to first process what you are feeling and acknowledge your emotions, then take a step back. You want to be calm when you broach the subject, but you also want to be firm. Your partner needs to know that you need some sort of resolution about what is bothering you.
- Choose the right timing to bring up the subject. Avoid trying to have a serious conversation when things are chaotic. This might be when working on another task together, or when you are feeling rushed or overwhelmed. My husband works shift work, so I consider when he will be most patient for difficult topics. Also, let him know ahead of time that you want to sit down and have a conversation. For example, tell him you need to clarify some concerns about your finances. This will give him the chance to prepare and to feel less blindsided with a heated debate.
- Avoid using an accusatory and attacking tone with your partner, even though you have strong feelings. You need to keep this passion under control, and use “I” statements instead. Focus on how YOU are feeling, and not on what your partner has or hasn’t done. For example, you could say, “I feel hurt when you spend so much time on your computer instead of hanging out with me.” This is less accusatory than saying, “You’re always on your computer every waking moment!”
- Avoid communication roadblocks like the silent treatment, using sarcasm and put-downs, or raising your voice. It’s more productive to be assertive rather than avoid them and shut them out. This would include walking away from them and avoiding the discussion. This will make your partner feel less connected, and leave the conflict unresolved. Also, avoid bringing up past mistakes during a heated moment. Focus on the current situation. Otherwise, they will just get more defensive. Be aware of the tone you are using, and try to stay neutral and calm. Make eye contact and try not to raise your voice. This shows respect for your partner, and will be more likely to lead to a compromise.
- Set clear boundaries. You need to argue fair. You might not agree with your partner, but it’s important to listen to why they feel the way they do. They should do the same for you, even if you have to point this out to them. Focus on actively listening, and coming up with some kind of resolution and understanding. Decide what is the ultimate minimum that each of you can or cannot live with. If you are discussing conflicting ideas about future plans, or hurt feelings about a situation, you should leave the conversation feeling like there is some kind of resolution. Communication fuels commitment. This will help both of you to forgive and move forward.
To Stay, or to Go?
Marriages or other committed relationships are not always easy. Especially when it comes to decisions about parenting, finances, and how you each spend your time. Bring up your concerns in a way that doesn’t hurt the other person or make them feel attacked. Solid communication fuels commitment. This will result in the highest level of relationship satisfaction.
If your partner refuses to meet you halfway, it may be time to see a therapist. Or, you may even decide that you need to go your separate ways. Sometimes, relationships do run their course. Ask yourself if what you are getting out of the relationship outweighs some minor issues. Then you will likely decide that you can live with them. This doesn’t mean you should stop trying to improve your communication on a daily basis. Yet you should see some kind of reciprocal effort from your partner. What if you do not see any progress after trying repeatedly? Then it may be time to make some hard decisions for the sake of your future happiness.
