Dealing with Emotions in the Teenage Years

It can be downright painful to have your sweet baby girl tell you that “you make everything worse.” Your intentions are simply to look out for what is best for them.  Teenage girls know everything, and you, their parents, now know nothing. You have no understanding of what they are going through.  It can be like mourning the loss of a person when your positive child becomes a sassy and emotional teenager. It’s like one person has died and another is born.  You get some glimpses of her true self here and there, but the overall mood is volatile.    Dealing with emotions in the teenage years is not for the faint of heart.  But there are some specific strategies you can use to help them through the storm. These tips can also help you process your own feelings and state of mind.  

Make Connections to Your Past

Talk about your own experiences growing up so they know that you do understand the turmoil of this phase. It helps to share stories about your uncertainty when you were trying to decide what to do with your future. Especially share any failures that you had and that were learning experiences, although they were crushing blows at the time.  Talk about experiences you had with friends and relationships at the time, and how you dealt with them.  Don’t downplay how you felt though, in explaining how you handled it.  Don’t make it seem like you had it all together and that resolving your problems was easy.  You endear them to you when you share your stories in a way that shows your humanity.  

Dealing with Emotions in the Teenage Years: Don’t take their criticism personally

This is much easier said than done. Yet it is crucial for your mental health when dealing with your child at this stage.   Remind yourself that you are not a bad parent and that they do love you underneath their sassy, frustrated attitudes.  Practice self-care by taking a hot bath or reading a good book. Go on a walk in nature with your favorite music.   Spend time with friends to put you in a positive mood after a heated interaction or argument with your teen.  These moments can leave you reeling and feeling inadequate and powerless to help.  It is important to recenter yourself and remember that this too shall pass. It is only a phase they are going through.

Understand the Conflicting Emotions they are Going Through

The combination of hormones, social pressures, and hard decisions about their futures, all combine to make our kids super emotional. They also feel like they have lost a lot of time in a post-pandemic world. Talk through the many options they are conflicted about. Let them know that things will be okay. Uncertainty is completely normal at this stage of life, and many people end up doing something different than they intended.  Assure them that they have time. They don’t have to have their whole lives figured out at such a volatile time in their development. Dealing with emotions in the teenage years involves a lot of reassurances on your part.

 Dr. Marwa Azab describes how research shows slow connections between logical and emotional brain parts.   “The teens are highly emotional because of a hyperactive amygdala that generates many “danger” false alarms. Slow, inefficient connections exist between the logical PFC and the emotional amygdala (i.e., a faulty inhibition system and loose brakes). Your teen is not crazy. Their brains are going under massive remodeling. Our job as their parents, educators, and mentors is to be their best advocates. Also to encourage healthy rewiring of their brains.” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuroscience-in-everyday-life/).  It is our job as parents to help support and guide them. Yet we need to remember to also understand them to help us be more patient and loving in our interactions.

The Pressures of Time Management and a Need to “Do it All”

Teens want to balance getting top marks with having fun with their friends. They want to make the most of their final years of high school.  They want to try new activities, and many are very emotional about “lasts.”   Last semi-formal, last sports championship, last musical production.   Especially in a post-pandemic world where their time was cut short.  They feel desperate to do it all as time is running out on them. 

Others may be saving up for school with a part-time job. They are genuinely worried about how their family will afford to send them to post-secondary. They question how they will be able to afford a car or a house in the future.  Kids are trying to soak up the last moments of being a teenager. They are in a state of mourning for this stage that is slipping away from them.   We need to be gentle and support what they are trying to achieve while maintaining a healthy balance. See the related post Positive Strategies for Supporting Your Teen’s Mental Health for more insights.

Find Small Ways to Let Them Know You Care When Dealing with Emotions in the Teenage Years

Try to find ways to help without asking what they need.  They may not know what they need right now.  They may not even think you can help.  You could fold their laundry, or make their lunch.  Cut up an apple as a snack like you used to do so many years ago.  Think about small comforts and gestures, and don’t expect them to always notice or thank you.  Just know that they do appreciate it.  Help them indirectly by encouraging them to get enough rest, proper nutrition, activity, and fresh air.  All of these things are pivotal to their mental health.  Even as they are becoming more independent, encourage them to continue to participate in family traditions. Invite them for visits with extended family, vacations, and road trips.

Continue to invite them to go on walks, drives, go in the hot tub, or other activities you share together.  This lets them know that you value spending time with them.  Try hard not to judge or criticize things during your conversations with them.  Show that you trust them to make the right decisions. Taking Care of Our Teens explores more strategies for keeping your relationship with your teens strong.

Let Your Words and Actions Show that You Accept Them

Be accepting of your child’s friends no matter how tempted you may be to question and criticize.  As long as they are safe in their social situations, let them be. They want to know that you trust them to make good decisions.  They don’t want your constant disapproval and opinions.  This will make them shut down and not want to tell you about the people in their lives.   Be accepting of the way they want to dress or wear their hair. If it is appropriate for the setting, let them choose. 

Although constructive criticism can help them to improve, try to do this more subtly, and avoid using an attacking tone.  If they are comfortable with a small group of close friends, don’t pressure them to go to bigger parties and meet more people.  The less commenting on their friends that you can manage, the better.  This will help them to open up to you with problems they might be facing.

There is so much to do in these final years of high school.  They are feeling the stress, and a little burned out.  It is important to be in tune with their moods and their needs and to check in with them.  They are being pulled in a lot of different directions, and are trying to do their best.  All kids want to be successful, and well-liked, to fit in and find their way.  Most importantly, they want to know that they have your unconditional love and support wherever life takes them.  Let them know that you believe in them.  Let them know it’s going to be okay.   Hang in there, parents of teenage girls.  Dealing with emotions in the teenage years is rough and hard on the heart. Yet the best years are yet to come as they mature into adulthood.