How to Feel Better After Hard Conversations

One aspect of communication that I struggle with is how to respond to friends’ bad news.  I seem to freeze and have difficulty coming up with something to say.  I want to be supportive and offer some comforting words, but I’m always afraid of saying the wrong thing.  So instead, I mumble about how awful that must be and say I’m sorry.  Beyond that, I’m not sure how to keep the conversation going and what more I should say.  Others seem to delve more into the situation and ask questions. Yet I always feel like that is prying or that they would elaborate more if they wanted to.  How to have hard conversations and feel more comfortable in doing so is a skill I would love to learn.

Responding to a Friend’s Bad News

I felt this awkwardness when a friend of mine’s mother was terminally ill. Her husband had told me about the situation. I felt like if I didn’t send her a message I wouldn’t seem supportive or caring.  I hesitated and then sent a message that came across as presumptuous, as she was still alive at this point. Her reply was kind but also had an undertone. She seemed offended by the way I had worded the message.  Instead, I should have perhaps expressed some hope for the situation and not made it sound so final.   It made me feel like I would have been better off saying nothing at all.  We never know how our messages will be received.   I don’t know how I would respond in the same situation. I’d like to think that I would give people grace who had a hard time reaching out.

How to Have Hard Conversations: Finding the Right Words

Another time, a co-worker of mine was going through a painful divorce and was a shell of herself. She was barely functioning, and thankfully I noticed this instantly. I sent her a message before too much time had passed, expressing my concern.  She replied with overwhelming gratitude for my reaching out and was so appreciative that I was offering support.  However, I had a hard time taking it further.  While she had mentioned chatting at some point, I never knew how to approach her in person about it. Yet others seemed to do so with ease, as I would see them talking in hushed tones.  Some people can have open and direct conversations about these things. I hesitate to bring it up for fear of making the person upset. 

So instead, I avoided her or stuck to work-related small talk. It was clear that she wasn’t going to bring it up. And I had no idea how to broach the subject.  How to have hard conversations does not come naturally to me.  I know this about myself, but it makes me feel less than adequate as a friend.  While I did reach out via text, I never made any effort to initiate a conversation with her. I wish I knew what others said, or how they got started.  Eventually, she was able to talk and be open about it. Yet I don’t think that we are as close as we once were. I feel like there was more that I could have said and done when she was in this dark place. But I didn’t have the right words.

Continuing the Conversation

Just recently, I was faced with another dilemma of how to have hard conversations. My hairdresser told me that she’d been sexually assaulted in her studio by a client who had found her online.  She also told me that she was experiencing significant anxiety and depression.   I reacted with horror at what happened. While I asked a few follow-up questions, I generally felt like I was grasping to find more to say. 

She did get quiet after that. She sat with me while my color was processing but we tended to both be on our own phones. The moment for an opportunity to be more supportive and continue the conversation was lost.  Maybe she was okay with that. I still sensed an awkwardness on her part after our brief exchange about it.  I could have said more about her mental health confessions as well.  However, I tend to change the subject. Often, I have a hard time sensing when I should say more or encourage them to talk more. They may just want to just get it off their chest, but not really elaborate.   

How to Have Hard Conversations: Listen and Validate their Feelings

I know that we should not try to “fix” the problem. Nor should we downplay or make light of what they are feeling, or compare our own circumstances.  We should also not just change the subject and avoid discussing it further.  The latter is what I tend to do, reinforcing that I don’t know how to have hard conversations.   According to Dr. Ryan Niemiec, Psy.D, “Just listen. This is the most important step. It might be that there is nothing helpful for you to say. The pivotal action on your part is to sit with the person as they share.”  

He also states, “Don’t go to the positive first. When a person is entrenched in negativity, there is nothing wrong with pointing out what that person is missing. Remind them they are not seeing the many good things in their life. However, to do that first is often condescending and may be ignorant to the issue at hand” (https://psychcentral.com/blog/character-strengths/2016/03/how-to-respond-when-someone-shares-bad-news#1). I agree with these pieces of advice. Yet I still feel like I lack the instincts of what I should say next to continue this important dialogue.

What Should You Say?

Dr. Lisa Ferentz, a Psychotherapist, believes that what’s most important in your response is authenticity and sincerity.  She offers several ideas for how to have hard conversations and keep the dialogue going:

• “Thank you for trusting me enough to share such a personal and difficult story”
• “I appreciate the courage it took to share that with me.”
• “I want you to know that what happened wasn’t your fault. You did whatever you had to do to survive.”
• “I am so sorry that you were hurt/mistreated/harmed.”
• “You deserve support. You deserve to learn strategies that can help you to heal.”
• “You are not alone. You don’t have to be alone in your healing.” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-trauma-s-wounds/201502/)

How to Have Hard Conversations: Offer Comfort and Support

These responses can be helpful because they don’t judge, and they show compassion and support.  They offer words of comfort.  Someone going through a traumatic time can often feel like a failure and like they are somehow to blame.  It is helpful to boost their ego and say things that will help them to feel empowered.  Dr. Ferentz adds that after any of these initial responses, it’s equally important to allow for silence. This allows those messages to be absorbed.   I think that I often struggle with the silence part. 

I need to feel more comfortable just sitting in silence to show my support. This also gives them time to think about what they might want to say in return.  I often want to just fill the silence with words, and this is where what I say can become awkward.  Instead, I need to focus on generalized supportive statements like these. I should not feel the need to pry with specific questions unless the person discloses more to me. When they do, I could then try to follow up with specific questions. I must keep the focus on sharing kindness, compassion, and empathy.  That is all any of us wants to feel at any time, particularly in these darkest moments.  To truly empathize with another seems to be the key to how to have hard conversations.