Coping with New Emotions of the Empty Nest

It is difficult to fathom that my oldest daughter is leaving for university next year.  New emotions of the empty nest are definitely bittersweet. We only have a few more months before she will be getting ready to move out. I feel confident that we have prepared her well as she is responsible, hard-working, and kind.  She will make friends and develop strong connections as she has done in all aspects of her life. She’s made good friends at school, at work, and through activities.  I know that there will still be strong ties to home, as she will not be moving far. We will have visits, holidays, and summers.  Yet, it will not be the same.  It will become our new normal.  Entering the unknown phase of the empty nest can be scary and heartbreaking, but it is also an exciting time!

Reconnecting with Yourself

While people often focus on the negative aspects, this time in someone’s life can open the door to new possibilities. Without the obligation of caring for another human being, people can take the opportunity to redefine who they are. They can decide what they want for the rest of their life. Maybe they will rededicate energy to their own careers or areas of interest. They can also renew their marital relationship. Parents can also enjoy building a more mature bond with their adult children. This can be deeply satisfying to everyone involved (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/empty-nest-syndrome).

Maintaining a Strong Bond with your Child

It will be important to talk to your child about family life before they move out.  This can open up the lines of communication and clarify the next stage of the parent-child relationship. Discuss what you both envision for how they fit into the family. You will avoid awkward feelings and tension when unexpected situations come up.  Make a plan for how you will keep in touch and how to manage the new distance between you.  How often will you be in communication? When will they come home to visit, and what will it look like when they are here?  How much time will they spend with friends, versus time with you?  What are some key celebrations with extended family, or trips they still want to be a part of?

New Emotions of the Empty Nest: When Your Child Spends Time at Home

Your young adult will return home, whether it’s for a short weekend visit or a longer stay like the summer. They may need help adapting to any changes you have made in their absence. They are experiencing their own transition and learning to manage their lives with new independence. It is comforting for them to think of home as a source of stability in life. You can assist in this transition by giving them a warning about changes you have made. Then give them time to settle in and adjust.   Find ways to spend quality time with your child, perhaps drawing on some family traditions or common interests. Understand that they will also want time with their friends when they are only home for a shorter time. Prioritize quality time together instead of worrying about how they spend every moment.  

Letting Go of Control with your Adult Child

Interactions with your child are going to be different.  They will have changed and grown, and it is important to accept the person they are becoming. Avoid commenting negatively on changes you notice.  Keep your conversations positive. Try to treat them like the adult they are, instead of lapsing into old patterns of nagging or criticism.  Many parents will struggle to allow their adult children to have autonomy.   This is natural, after being so involved with all aspects of their lives.  Yet it is necessary to accept them and respect their decisions.  See the post Taking Care of Our Teens for ideas to prepare for this change. It is a difficult step in coping with the new emotions of the empty nest.

Amy Morin, a Social Worker, claims that “If you obsessively monitor your child’s social media accounts, call every morning, and spend every minute worrying about how your child is doing in college or in their new place, you won’t be able to move on with your life. Coping with empty nest syndrome means letting go and letting your child grow into an independent adult.”   She adds that “Of course, you should certainly check in on your child’s well-being. But give your child some privacy—and the space to make a few mistakes. It’s healthier for both of you” (https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-cope-with-empty-nest-syndrome).  Striking a balance between concern and obsession will be key to a healthy relationship.

New Emotions of the Empty Nest: Reconnecting with Your Partner

I believe that it will be normal to feel a little unsettled at first.   You will be redefining how you spend your time, and what your purpose is during this empty-nest phase of your life.  Maybe it’s more time re-engaging with a hobby or passion. You could join more community and social groups, and spend time with friends.  Most importantly, there is now more time to focus on your partner.  It’s time to make more memories as a couple. Travel without worrying about who’s going to stay with the kids. Plan date nights without thinking about a babysitter. Cook whatever meals you want without considering if a picky eater is going to complain about it.   Think about activities you used to pursue before having kids, and try exploring some of these again.   See the related post How to Develop a Deeper Connection: Rekindle the Passion.

The New Normal

Thinking about what this new phase with your partner will look like is a significant aspect of the empty nest.  Integrating your children back into your lives, and knowing it’s always going to be temporary, is painful to think about.   Yet it will be important to focus on the memories you will make during these times. You will make a new, stronger bond with your partner all over again.  After all, this is the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. This new phase of life will give you the chance to make them the focus.  It will be bittersweet. It will look and feel different. Yet we will all adjust to this new phase, with a grateful heart for the time we had with our kids. We will cherish the excitement and pride that we’ll experience alongside them in the future.