Allowing Our Teens to Fail: How to Strike a Balance
In today’s world, there is a great deal of pressure on parents to walk a fine line. We don’t want to be “helicopter parents” who bail our kids out every time they have a problem. However, we want to be there to support them. Allowing our teens to fail can be painful to endure, but is ultimately what they need. It teaches them how to survive, learn from their mistakes, and overcome them.
Chris Hudson writes: “Doing all you can to protect your teenager from discomfort or disappointment is NOT effective parenting. The role of a parent is to prepare their teenager for adulthood. Protecting them from setbacks or sadness does not equip them to handle life as an adult. Instead, it sets them up for real struggles later in life” (https://understandingteenagers.com.au/letting-teenagers-fail-why-it-matters/)
Preparing Teens for Adulthood
When they become adults, our teens need to know how to handle disappointment and frustration. If we continually intervene on their behalf we might shield them from feeling these emotions. Yet they will not develop the coping skills that they need to handle even bigger problems with higher stakes. This might be losing a job or breaking up with a partner. Perhaps they do not make a team or get into a program that mattered to them. It is to watch them go through smaller disappointments, but they need to learn to not fear failure.
Learning Experiences: Allowing Our Teens to Fail
Guiding our teens to figure out their next steps helps them learn the confidence in themselves to handle future letdowns. Melissa Fenton believes that rather than intervene and try to save your failing college student, an alternative would be to simply say, “I’m sorry to hear you’re failing. What steps do YOU think YOU should take now to fix that problem?” And then listen and encourage, but stay out of the solution” https://grownandflown.com/save-your-teen-failure/.
When is it Appropriate to Intervene?
The balance of letting them fail versus offering our support is tricky. It is about empowering them to become more independent and better self-advocates rather than letting them experience pain. It’s going to take some stress and discomfort for our teens to grow strong and resilient. But that doesn’t mean abandoning them to a hurricane. There will be times when it is appropriate to step in for them. You have to decide which ones those are, based on what’s characteristic of your teen.
Your child should still be able to feel your unconditional love and support. That might mean offering them suggestions for how they could deal with a challenging situation. Perhaps it is helping them draft a letter to someone. This support shows them an example of how they could handle something similar in the future. It is time to intervene if handling the problem on their own will bring them significant mental distress, rather than slight discomfort. Then you should feel okay about assisting them. Please view my post Taking Care of Our Teens for more insights on how we can best support our teens.
