How To Give Up Control to Nurture Relationships

I am writing this post as much for myself (as with most of my posts) as I am for you. An area of my life that I consider a major flaw is my need for perfection and control. I know that there are positives to this aspect of my personality. It means that I am confident in my beliefs and strategies, and I can defend and stand by my choices as being appropriate and necessary. However, will this rigidity endear me to friends, co-workers, and family members? What is the right balance between assertiveness and openness to others’ opinions and how they want to do something? How can those of us who are perfectionist Type A personalities give up control to nurture relationships?

Give and Take with our Partners

It is important that we each have opinions and views on how to carry out basic household tasks. We need to plan for our futures, and manage finances. It is healthy to express our views and ideas of how things should be done. This ensures we are treated as equals and not taken advantage of. However, I have a tendency to criticize how my partner does things and nit-pick at little things.

While these behaviors may be annoying, continually being negative is not going to endear him to me. An important part of these exchanges is the tone. If you could hear the conversation played back, would you cringe at your negative and annoyed voice? It is essential that we try to bite our tongue when it’s something we can live with. We should allow the other person to do things as they wish. We should only speak up if the action is truly bothersome or hurtful to us.

Effective Communication: Pause, Think and Watch Your Tone

There are times when we first see each other at the end of the day. Right away I launch into a tirade about things that need to be taken care of. Or I complain about something that is usually insignificant. It is helpful to pause, take a step back, and think before opening your mouth. This is the person you fell in love with and chose to share your life with. Can more of your exchanges not be positive and laid-back?

It’s like picking your battles with children – ask yourself if what you’re about to say is needed. Can this be let go? Can you engage in more casual conversation that is light in tone before complaining or snapping at this person? It also helps to question whether your own communication has been clear. People cannot read your mind. Have you been ranting and venting in general and hoping your partner will get the message? Be clear, but light and positive, and it will go a long way to a stronger bond between you. See the related post Communication Fuels Commitment.

Give Up Control to Nurture Relationships: Our Children

This one is a lot harder. We are the parent and we know what is right and best. We have rules and expectations, and we can’t tolerate disrespect when these are disregarded. We’ve established clear standards that we expect from our kids, and lovingly but firmly enforced these when they were young. Can we take a step back as they get older, and let them make more decisions for themselves? I have a hard time letting go of rules that are good for them. For example, not having cell phones in the bedroom at night. Also, I like to have a say in what they eat and wear. I need to know how much time they have for school work with their activities. I think many things are justified, and I will stand by these rules.

I could let go of some control by being more positive when they suggest something which is not unreasonable. I always find something to criticize or question. How will it work with our schedule? How expensive will it be, or how will it inconvenience me? Rather than gently raise the concerns I have, I tend to immediately dismiss the plan. In an annoyed voice, I tell them it won’t work.

I would like to get past this need to control every aspect of their lives. They are ready to make more of these calls themselves. I want to be more open to their requests, to nurture a stronger bond. Instead, my plans and schedule always dictate. They are only with us for such a short time in the grand scheme of life. I want them to remember that while they did not always get their way, I was open to reasonable requests. I need to give up control to nurture relationships. Taking Care of Our Teens offers more advice on striking a balance.

Be Assertive but Flexible to Win Co-Workers’ Respect

When you’re effective at your job, it can be hard to hold back when ideas are being discussed. I know that based on years of experience, my strategies for dealing with the situation at hand are better. I may come across as being a know-it-all and inflexible to new ideas. When others want to change things, I get defensive and explain why my way works best. I reason that I’ve done the task this way many times. They often concede to my ideas, but I wonder how they feel deep down. Should I not have at least heard them out? Tried to understand what they think are the merits of doing it their way?

I tend to dominate in these types of situations and fear that I am shutting others down. If I was more open to new ways of doing things then people would respect me. They would want to continue to collaborate on projects in a way that makes them also feel like valuable contributors. It’s a tricky balance; sometimes there is merit to carrying out a project in a way that is more time-efficient and effective.

I need to feel like I can speak up in these situations. The key is to acknowledge their ideas first, and then explain why I believe what I do. I should offer to do some of it their way, and avoid sounding defensive and getting tense during these discussions. We are all human and can’t always hide these emotions. Yet it’s worth it to take that pause, slow down, and try to express yourself calmly in a neutral tone.

Nurturing Our Friendships – Being Open to Others’ Ideas

It might seem like situations with friends, siblings, and parents are naturally more laidback. We respond differently than we do to our immediate families or co-workers who we see every day. This is not always the case. I know that I am still prone to that “take-charge” personality when planning family events, or gatherings with friends. Ultimately, I always want the plan to match my family’s schedule. I am reluctant to move things around to make it work.

I want to be more open to inconveniencing myself once in a while. It is important to give a little for the sake of making it easier to get together. With coordinating visits, I tend to be the one who organizes and communicates with everyone to formulate the plan. While this is a valuable skill to have, I worry that sometimes I’m perceived as too controlling. I desire to have more of a “go-with-the-flow” attitude when plans are being made. I don’t want to be one of those inflexible people.

Your partner and children spend the most time with you. They will be the first to react to your controlling nature. My kids have let me know many times that this bothers them or makes things difficult for them in planning. My husband’s responses to me at times let me know that I complain too much. I fixate on the negative, in trying to micro-manage everything. Co-workers would not likely say that I’m controlling. Yet small interactions and reactions have left me feeling like I could change my responses to their suggestions.

My friends and family would likely see it as more of a positive that I am the planner and organizer. On occasion, I have sensed resistance to my need to do things on my schedule. This is why it’s important to monitor your interactions with people. They will often be too polite to say anything. If you leave a conversation feeling like you were inflexible, then it may be time to reassess your reactions. It is time to give up control to nurture relationships. It will go a long way towards endearing the people in your life to you.