The Top Ten Ways to Connect With Our Teens
Life with teenagers can be a whirlwind of emotions. While a sentimental part of you longs for them to be little again, another part wishes they could be settled and happy in their future lives. To find their life partner, keep their passions and interests alive, complete their training for their career, and be financially stable, are all any parent wants. This in-between phase of adolescence and young adulthood can be scary and unpredictable, yet filled with the excitement of promise and possibility. It’s our job as parents to place an emphasis on enjoying the ride, and not on worrying excessively about an uncertain future, as we find the best ways to connect with our teens.
1. Let them know that you are there for them no matter where life takes them. Let them know that you will guide and advise them, but ultimately accept the decisions they make for themselves. These could be choices about relationships, education or training, or travel and other life experiences they may wish to have before settling down.
2. Respect the lifestyle they wish to lead. Some teens are more mature than others and want to grow up quickly, while others wish to retain childhood innocence for a longer time. Show that you accept them either way, by speaking positively about their interests and pastimes. This unconditional support will be critical in finding ways to connect with our teens.
3. Maintain family traditions and activities for as long as they will participate. These small acts provide a foundation of stability in a time when everything in their lives feels like it’s changing. Even if they scoff at it, they secretly love participating in the traditions you have created over the years.
4. Allow them to feel their emotions and show their hurt, frustration, and disappointment. This may be related to peers, relationships, and failures in their various pursuits. Avoid trying to project your own judgment onto their reactions, and downplay what they are experiencing. To them, it is a big deal.
5. Look for alternate ways to spend time with them, since they gravitate more towards their friends in this phase. Short drives, stopping for Starbucks, or some other small treat, can be great opportunities for deeper conversations. Finding the little ways to connect with our teens goes a long way to forging a stronger relationship.
6. Show an interest in their lives. Remember the details they tell you about their friends and their activities. Ask questions. They may roll their eyes and tell you to stop asking. Yet they will know that you care and are interested in them, and the people they are becoming.
7. Give them a balance of freedom and responsibility. It is important to still have rules and expectations for your home, and their behavior. They are moving into a stage of greater independence, but they still need boundaries. Giving them a role to play in household routines makes them feel like an important part of the family unit. Setting limits for cell phone use, bedtime, and homework is important for us to monitor. At the same time, we must begin to teach them how to self-regulate these aspects for themselves.
8. Monitor their online behavior. Ask them to see their phones and apps from time to time to see how they work. Ask questions about what people are posting. Use the screen time setting to check how much time they are spending on each app. Give them some privacy with respect to their personal messages, but have an area of the house where devices come to charge at night. They will benefit from not being distracted by social media and texting well into the night. They will not like this, but they will ultimately appreciate it.
9. Allow them to experiment with age-appropriate activities. This could be hanging out with the opposite gender, or house parties with their friends. Allow them to have alcohol if they can handle it and stick to small amounts. Let them drive to their own activities as they become old enough. We will always worry that they are taking risks and we will always fear for their safety. Yet we have to remember that we all engaged in these behaviors and turned out just fine. We need to teach them how to be safe and responsible and to respect our boundaries and rules. They need to have these experiences to grow and learn from.
10. Be there for them, unconditionally, day or night. They need to know that when they are in trouble they should not be afraid to turn to you. They must trust that you will not punish them or judge them. The fact that they turned to you is a sign that they eventually made the right choice. Every teen needs this type of supportive parent to thrive and to help them learn when they make mistakes.
See the related posts: Positive Strategies for Supporting Your Teen’s Mental Health, Allowing Our Teens to Fail: How to Strike a Balance, and Cell Phones: The Parenting Battle for more ideas on how to successfully navigate this challenging but exciting phase.
