How to Develop a Deeper Connection: Rekindle the Passion
In the beginning, relationships are passionate and romantic. You are learning everything about each other, and it is all new and exciting. You can’t wait to do things together, and intimacy is frequent and natural. The future is a road of adventures, and communication seems to come easily in the dating phase. Once you start living together, the spark starts to fizzle as the daily grind takes over. You get to know each other on a different level and see your regular habits and routines. Careers, children, and other commitments take over your relationship, which was once the priority. Passionate love turns into companionate love, a natural progression. You know that you are committed for the long haul, but how can you develop a deeper connection? How can you reignite some of that spark and passion when it’s been absent for so long?
Develop a Deeper Connection: Communication is Key
To develop a deeper connection, you have to start communicating. Talk about what you miss doing together. Express that you want to get those feelings back by going on more regular dates and sharing adventures. Even just spending more time doing something together on evenings and weekends, rather than always doing your own thing. If you don’t let your partner know that you want this, they may think you’re okay with the status quo. If your partner reciprocates your desires equally, that is great. What if there is more resistance? What if they don’t think there is anything wrong, or missing? You have to then express how the nature of the relationship makes you feel. You can’t just let things continue on, living parallel lives with no meaningful connection or interaction. Check out this related post: Communication Fuels Commitment
Make Time for Each Other
A major issue in the child-rearing years is making time for your partner. Between managing your household, your careers, and your children’s lives, there is very little time for intimacy. You rarely feel relaxed enough. You tend to be like shadows passing each other in the hustle and bustle of the routines. Time together tends to be more about chilling in front of the TV or scrolling your phones. You feel you need this physical and mental break. Sometimes the last thing you feel you would have the energy for is being intimate or doing an activity together. It’s natural to feel this way when you give so much of yourself to others all day long.
Research shows that “marital happiness reaches one of its peaks after offspring move out of the family home. The nest may be empty, but it’s also full of possibilities for partners to rediscover—and surprise—each other again. In other words, an empty nest offers the possibility of novelty and unpredictability” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-happiness/201212/why-the-passion-goes-out-relationships. There is a danger in not making time for each other sooner. It may be too late once your children have left home. You don’t want to reach that stage only to find that you are like strangers to each other. If you can’t connect in meaningful ways every day, it is critical to make time at least once a week. Do something that focuses only on each other.
Develop a Deeper Connection Through Shared Experiences
Doing household chores or projects alongside each other can provide brief interactions and opportunities for conversations. Going to a child’s game or activity can allow for the same. Yet these times can become routine and mundane. The novelty and unpredictability in the aforementioned quote, are elements that come from exploring something new together.
Traveling, visiting attractions, and discovering new places in nature can add variety and interest to your time together. Think back to when you were dating. You spent time at each others’ places, but you also went out and did things. You went out with friends, tried new restaurants, went to movies, sporting events, and concerts. There is less time and money for that once children become your priority. Yet it’s important to still fit it in, even if it’s less often.
The older your kids get, the more time you can make for these experiences. Once they have moved on to start their own lives, you can almost get back to that dating phase again. You will have the opportunity to explore your world again. You could try a regular activity that you once enjoyed, like cross country skiing, bowling, or going to comedy shows. The important thing is to use the experience as a means of forging a deeper connection.
Show Affection Actively to Deepen Your Bond
Spending more time alone together should also remind you of what it used to feel like. You will relive memories of walking hand-in-hand or making out under the stars. Remembering these feelings of passion and excitement will bring mixed emotions. A long-term relationship or marriage has exposed a whole other side of each other. You are more comfortable with each other, and may feel like some of the attraction has been lost. You interact in a different way now. There are more disagreements, complaints, and arguments. You are caught up in the little things that wear you down in the daily grind of life. You may get on each others’ nerves as a result of living together for so long.
In The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman explains that “couples who want to rekindle their passion and love need to turn towards each other. Practicing emotional attunement can help you stay connected even when you disagree. This means turning toward one another by showing empathy, instead of being defensive. Both partners need to talk about their feelings in terms of positive need, instead of what they do not need,” https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-ways-rekindle-passion-marriage/. This idea goes back to the importance of communication in long-term relationships. We must express the changes we want to see, without blaming the other person for what is missing or lacking. This is effective communication. This is what will endear your partner to you more. A constant reminder of what they are not giving you, or what they are doing wrong, will drive them away.
Developing a deeper connection takes work. It is easier to let your marriage run on auto-pilot. Yet this will not serve either of you in the long term. You need to respect each other enough to feel comfortable communicating your needs. Both partners need to take the time to come up with new and interesting experiences to share together. Once you have the trust of your partner, physical intimacy will follow naturally.
It may look different at this stage. It is more familiar and comfortable than the exciting passion of the dating years. Yet it should still be fulfilling and emotionally satisfying to both of you. Give him compliments and touch him unexpectedly. Spend time getting yourself ready and looking your best. He will take your lead, and respond in kind. It’s all about getting back to the mindset of when you first fell in love. Try to recreate those feelings and actions, and passion will follow.
