How To Tell When a Friendship Has Run Its Course
How to tell when a friendship has run its course? Most of us have been there. We have friends who we think about often. There is a shared history, or we just enjoy spending time with them. It is a human emotion to feel resentment, no matter how hard we try to stay positive. This feeling builds when we sense that we are reaching out without results. We may ask a friend to get together. They reply that that sounds great and they will get back to us. They never do. How long should this go on? How many times should we keep reaching out without losing our self-respect? It can be difficult and painful to determine when it is time to move on.
Friendship Maintenance
When we are in our teens and twenties, it seems easy and effortless to stay in regular contact with our friends. We make new friends through jobs and activities and also maintain old friendships. Once we get into our thirties and start families, it feels more challenging to stay in contact. To some extent, it is normal to have an adjustment period with young children. They are our top priority because they have to be. As they get older, life gets busier as they become involved with their own activities. Balancing full-time jobs, running a household, and providing opportunities for our kids takes over in these years. Yet does this mean that we should forget about our friends completely? How much time is acceptable to spend together to maintain a friendship?
Changing Expectations
Once I was well into the young family phase, I definitely noticed a change in the frequency of get-togethers. This continued to change over the years. Today, I have a close group of friends from high school, and we don’t all live in the same area. So I see them usually in the summer (not always as a whole group), and often around Christmas. Some live near my hometown, where I still travel to see my parents, so this makes it convenient. My husband’s core friend group all live more local to us. We have three regular events that we have done over the years (camping, football game, and New Year’s Eve). We may not see each other in between very often, but we made those three times sacred, and rarely missed them (until Covid struck).
I will see other friends or co-workers a few times a year, or more, depending on our mutual efforts to get together. Personally, I like to see a friend in person, rather than just send text messages or like their posts on Facebook. I like to go out for dinner or drinks, go on a walk or other outdoor activity, or attend an event together. It is great to have social media for staying in touch, especially for those who don’t live close. Video chats were fun during lockdowns. Yet these types of communication should never take the place of live interactions completely. A key expectation of mine is that friendships need time in person.
Always the Initiator
I am often the person who takes the initiative to make plans. This is just my nature. Others are not as naturally inclined, and I don’t resent them for this, provided that they respond enthusiastically and agree to get together. Some friends have apologized for not staying in touch more and expressed regret. I always try to be aware that people could be going through a rough situation that I am not aware of. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to be friends. They may be struggling with anxiety or depression, and not up for getting together or saying much through texting. I try not to take this personally and give people time and space before reaching out again. The dilemma becomes, as months and years go by, how many times should you keep reaching out? How to tell when a friendship has run its course? https://www.huffpost.com/entry/when-a-friendship-has-run-its-course_b_5953ba58e4b0f078efd9864b
Self-Respect: Has This Friendship Run Its Course?
The alternative is that the other person may very well not want to see me. Something may have been done or said, or they are just not interested. If this is the case, I feel like, after several attempts, I need to stop asking. I tell myself that friendship is a two-way street. If the person was interested in seeing me, they would surely reach out. A person who we may have talked to frequently in the past may have lost interest and prefers the company of other friends.
This is where I have a hard time making that decision. Do I stop contacting them? Will they ever contact me? It works both ways, and even if someone is going through a hard time, this season does not last forever. It’s clear that they are seeing other people and hanging out. That is the power of social media. Often our lives are an open book. How to tell if this friendship has run its course? If the person is simply not reaching out to us, and months or years have gone by, it is time to move on for our own self-respect. Communication Fuels Commitment
No Rhyme Nor Reason
Sometimes, no major incident or rift ever took place. There was no drama and no resentment on either side. The mere fact that you simply stopped communicating at some point can make it hard to resume a friendship. Distance and time can change people, and maybe it’s even the awkwardness of not having spoken in so long about anything meaningful that makes both of you hang back.
These may be the times when we have to accept that the friendship has indeed run its course. The saddest situation would be both friends wishing they could be close again, but not having a clue how to begin. You need to go with your gut feeling. Do you reach out yet again and risk being rejected? Or worse, the fake “I’ll get back to you?” Would the positive outcome be worth the effort you would make? Do you spend a lot of time thinking about the friendship and how things changed?
How To Tell If A Friendship Has Run Its Course: An Honest Conversation
This type of passive hesitancy and emotional turmoil is typical of my personality. The Extroverted Introvert What many would tell me, and what I need to tell myself, is to have an open and honest conversation with the person. Do you want to know if they are interested? Call them out on how you have been feeling about their actions and reactions to your efforts. Ask them if something is wrong, or if you’re just imagining it.
Being direct is the only way you will ever get an honest answer. It is what will bring you peace of mind, and the ability to have closure and move on. If you can’t bring yourself to do this, then for your own sake, you’ll likely just have to move on and let it go. If it was meant to be, at some point in time, things may change. It is not solely up to you to make this happen unless you are the one who desperately wants the situation to change.
