Parenting: How to Stop Being Our Own Worst Critic

We are often way too hard on ourselves, only looking at our flaws, and being our own worst critic.  We don’t look good enough, and we don’t do enough. Our homes don’t look perfect, and we don’t always treat those we love how we wish we could.  While it’s good to look for ways to improve ourselves, it is equally important to acknowledge our strengths. We need to take time to identify things that we did well each day.  This is perhaps never more applicable than to the second-guessing that we engage in about our parenting style.

Tough Decisions Parents Face

Often, we question if we are doing the right thing, as we navigate our way through parenting.  An example that has weighed on me is when I made the decision to pull my daughter from competitive soccer. It was the right time but was heart-wrenching as it meant so much to her. It was right for our family, as it made life less rushed and hectic, with more personal time.  She also had a tough first semester and now understands why having a more balanced life is important.  She ended up going to the provincial championships for a new sport. There was now time to play hockey with friends and improve her skating and skiing skills. She still played soccer with a league that was better in ways than expected.  Knowing my child best,  I trusted that this was the right decision for her and for our whole family. 

Pressure to be a Good Role Model: Being Our Own Worst Critic

When I think about what I want for my children’s future, I realize that this is how I too should behave so that I can actively model this for them.  I would like my children to be hard-working, ambitious, and organized so that they can live successful lives.  It is important to me that they appreciate the little wonders of life, like nature, family traditions, and ordinary moments.  I would like them to be calm and positive when faced with challenges.  Above all, I’d like them to be kind, non-judgmental, and supportive of the people in their lives. 

If this is what I hope for them, I need to work on practicing it in my own life.  I do a great job of being hard-working and organized. I work hard to create family traditions and show appreciation for life’s small wonders. Modeling being calm and positive when faced with challenges is something I need to improve on.  Also, I could actively do better with being non-judgmental of everyone.  All parents constantly second guess what they are doing and how they are reacting to and raising their babies.  It is important to first acknowledge what you are doing right, before attacking yourself for what you know you could do better. 

Cassi Clausen writes, “We make decisions about what kind of parents we are going to be all the time. Sometimes we mull over those decisions, research them, and discuss them with our co-parent. Sometimes we just react. Either way, the decisions are personal. We make them because of who we are, and judgment from others feels like a judgment of who we are as people. It’s easy to internalize that judgment and to feel like we must be messing up”

(https://www.openschooloc.com/2017/07/30/parenting-in-a-culture-of-judgment/).

Letting Go of Control

I want to work on letting go of the control that I feel I need to have over everything.  Recently, I took a step back from my concerns and allowed my daughter to care for a small pet.  I learned to let go of the desire to control everything and go with a reasonable request at times. This allows them to demonstrate that they can take charge of something and prove that it will be manageable. I want to let them make more of these decisions for themselves and prove that they can be responsible.  Check out Taking Care of Our Teens for more about this tricky balance.

Striking a Balance to Avoid Being Our Own Worst Critic

It is good to let go of some control, but it’s also important to be true to myself. I must maintain what I feel is most effective for the overall harmony of the family.  When I stick to a routine and follow life’s rhythm and flow as much as we are able, it keeps my kids calmer and happier.  Building in little treats and allowing things for them to look forward to is necessary, but a solid routine is still best for their physical and mental health.  Even when it means being the bad guy, and the only parent who makes them bring their phones out of the bedrooms at night (See Cell Phones: The Parenting Battle), or having family dinners with no phones at the table, and expecting them to eat a certain amount of healthy foods each day.

Teens should of course have more freedom and responsibility as well as trust to do what is right, but they aren’t completely there yet.  They still need the foundation in order to see the value of emulating it for themselves someday.  We have to get past that feeling that maybe we are too “strict” or too old-school, and believe in ourselves, and that we know what’s best for our children. We need to fight this form of “peer pressure” from more negligent parents, and be proud of the good work that we are trying to do in raising up these little people into good humans. It’s time to stop being our own worst critic.